I remember some day during Senior Year (does anyone else find themselves ALWAYS capitalizing that phrase?) when I was driving Kramer and Meghan to their cars and somehow we were talking about me. I remember suddenly saying that I hadn't been genuinely happy for a long time, that I'd had moments of fun, but not that happiness at the core. Then, that night, by coincidence, Kate called me (during what was still some slightly awkward times) and said "Hey, are you ok?" And I remember thinking, "Wow, if people see it this much, it's gotten bad."
I think I might be in that place again. I'm not desperately depressed or anguished about life. But there's just this gap, I feel. I doesn't help that I feel like I dreamt all the stuff that's happened this year or maybe I'm dreaming now. I need to start writing again, I know. I always feel better at the core when I put out some decent writing, but otherwise, I'm very blah.
I don't know what to do about it, really. All I know is I'm concerned about the person I am vs. the person I want to be. I'm getting that same feeling from last summer of having someone else controlling my life. I'm trying to just let go, you know? Just take life in and enjoy a lax summer for what it is, but I feel like it's down time that I should use to figure myself the hell out. Maybe not, maybe I'm just, well, overthinking it all. But I'm not overthinking this feeling I have. It's empty and can really really hurt sometimes. I miss my A Kids a lot because I could use the support or just the great feeling of sitting back and talking about everything and nothing. I'm making some connections here stronger, I feel, but the established ones...I miss them.
I'm done here.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monday, May 09, 2005
It's been quite a year.
Almost halfway done with college and, as is my custom, I'm looking back a bit. I can't believe that the beginning of this school year was even the same life as it is at the end. The fact that I was in Pygmalion in fall and Summertime in Spring, and A Few Good Men in between is mind-boggling, because it feels like three different worlds. I can't believe I lived in Georgia at the beginning and now we're almost completely extracted to Baltimore. It's been a year of big changes, visible and almost imperceptible. And, as with any time of change, there are things I'm not particularly proud of, times when I was a person I don't want to be. You know what I mean, the times when you look back, sometimes months later, sometimes a minute later, and wish you could take something back because it was just a moment of weakness and yet it rippled out and created something else entirely to deal with. Things you just could have handled better if you'd thought more or thought less, said more or said less. There's no hard and fast rule that could have fixed all of these things, but you just know that for a moment, you weren't too pleased with yourself.
And yet, somehow, this year was amazing. Without all that getting-used-to-college stuff of freshman year, I really had a lot of fun this year. I created some things, be it performances or pieces for class, that I am incredibly proud of. This year, there were countless times when I just stepped back and caught my breath for a moment, amazed and speechless at the events around me. It would be brief moments, but I gave each its time and then jumped back in, because you can't spend too much time stepping back or it moves on without you. I found myself recognizing such moments frequently this year, sometimes cascading one after the other until I couldn't believe that such times existed in the same life as the less appealing things I've been through and done. It's been an unspeakably moving ride and I hope everyone involved knows I appreciate the hell out of them for it.
All this appreciation, however, isn't to say all's well. There are still things here and there. I spent an hour off by myself last night, in a place where no one could find me or hear me and tried to get down to what's there without the rest of the world. What I want to do, what I might end up doing instead of that, whether or not I can let myself settle for a future that's not quite what I want and then asking myself if I even have some dream future I'd pursue if it weren't for the pressure to get a "real job." Add that to the endless overthought and beating myself up for overthought and rinse and repeat, and you have quite a one-man show, but with no audience. So yeah, there's still some questions with no answers and I'm not yet a person who can accept them.
But the year-in-review is more to say that this year has been magical. Because even if there were stumbles and falls, there were points in the course of the last nine months that I was intensely euphorically pleased with my life. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, I never got there last year, which says nothing about the friends I kept or the things I was a part of. It's something internal, and this year I found it, admittedly with the support of certain friends. A person tells you enough times to stop getting down on yourselfand that you aren't the screwup you think you are, and you start to realize they're right, so long as you leave yourself open to that possibility.
So, the point is, after this year, I'm starting to think they're right. But at the same time, I need to remember that it's all one big work in progress.
Almost halfway done with college and, as is my custom, I'm looking back a bit. I can't believe that the beginning of this school year was even the same life as it is at the end. The fact that I was in Pygmalion in fall and Summertime in Spring, and A Few Good Men in between is mind-boggling, because it feels like three different worlds. I can't believe I lived in Georgia at the beginning and now we're almost completely extracted to Baltimore. It's been a year of big changes, visible and almost imperceptible. And, as with any time of change, there are things I'm not particularly proud of, times when I was a person I don't want to be. You know what I mean, the times when you look back, sometimes months later, sometimes a minute later, and wish you could take something back because it was just a moment of weakness and yet it rippled out and created something else entirely to deal with. Things you just could have handled better if you'd thought more or thought less, said more or said less. There's no hard and fast rule that could have fixed all of these things, but you just know that for a moment, you weren't too pleased with yourself.
And yet, somehow, this year was amazing. Without all that getting-used-to-college stuff of freshman year, I really had a lot of fun this year. I created some things, be it performances or pieces for class, that I am incredibly proud of. This year, there were countless times when I just stepped back and caught my breath for a moment, amazed and speechless at the events around me. It would be brief moments, but I gave each its time and then jumped back in, because you can't spend too much time stepping back or it moves on without you. I found myself recognizing such moments frequently this year, sometimes cascading one after the other until I couldn't believe that such times existed in the same life as the less appealing things I've been through and done. It's been an unspeakably moving ride and I hope everyone involved knows I appreciate the hell out of them for it.
All this appreciation, however, isn't to say all's well. There are still things here and there. I spent an hour off by myself last night, in a place where no one could find me or hear me and tried to get down to what's there without the rest of the world. What I want to do, what I might end up doing instead of that, whether or not I can let myself settle for a future that's not quite what I want and then asking myself if I even have some dream future I'd pursue if it weren't for the pressure to get a "real job." Add that to the endless overthought and beating myself up for overthought and rinse and repeat, and you have quite a one-man show, but with no audience. So yeah, there's still some questions with no answers and I'm not yet a person who can accept them.
But the year-in-review is more to say that this year has been magical. Because even if there were stumbles and falls, there were points in the course of the last nine months that I was intensely euphorically pleased with my life. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, I never got there last year, which says nothing about the friends I kept or the things I was a part of. It's something internal, and this year I found it, admittedly with the support of certain friends. A person tells you enough times to stop getting down on yourselfand that you aren't the screwup you think you are, and you start to realize they're right, so long as you leave yourself open to that possibility.
So, the point is, after this year, I'm starting to think they're right. But at the same time, I need to remember that it's all one big work in progress.