You know, when we were leaving high school, we thought we knew what nostalgia was. We were having lots of fun all year, and when we came to the end, we felt sad and misty. Rightfully so, I feel. But I don't know if what we felt then, the feeling that all those good things were changing, drifting away from us, was really what being nostalgic was all about.

Today I was writing up my resume for my God-help-me-get-a-summer-job. I needed to list some achievements, so I went to the yearbook to grab my high school ones. When I flipped to my Outstanding Senior page, I was completely shocked. I don't recognize that picture of myself anymore. It just seemed like a completely different person from a completely different time, and I realize that in a certain way, that's true, but it still felt like not only am I no longer that person, but I can't believe I ever was. It's not that I feel like I'm better or worse as a person now, but I just feel so distant from that time. I've never gotten that feeling before, not with the countless pictures of myself as a child. I guess it's just weird to see a picture of myself at a time when I had definitely defined myself as a person, but at the same time that definition has also changed. So there I sat staring at this picture of someone I barely even recognize. I flipped around the book and all of it felt so foreign.

Then I came to the picture of all of us at homecoming, sitting around the table at Hanley's house, with that indifferent caption about "A group of seniors" spending their last homecoming together. And it really felt, for a moment, like it was just some group of seniors. My eyes ran over the faces and it just felt so completely foreign to me. And then this new feeling crept in. This cold feeling as if there was a warmth in that picture that used to warm me even after we were in that moment, but that I had somehow been taken away from. I wanted it back so desperately and yet at the same time, it felt ridiculous to want to cast aside the memories between then and now. It's not regret, because I regret neither the time I spent with everyone nor the fact that we've all grown. That's when I realize that those sad moments of the end of high school were tragic, heart-breaking and powerful, but they weren't nostalgia, not yet. Nostalgia is much, much harder, because you're no longer looking at one part of your life while getting ready for the next one, but you're looking at a part of you life that has replaced numerous times by the dozens of lives we live from year to year, those stages we go through that feel like separate existences altogether. Nostalgia is a sort of amazement, a reverence, a sadness that you, the vessel of emotions that changes so often was once in that one place, a place you can only glimpse anymore.

A kids and other friends from Milton, I miss you guys. I miss you terribly. And while I think it's wonderful that we all have done so much in the various schools we attend, I must admit I miss you in that moment, I miss the way we were.

The only thing that makes it easier is finding the fine qualities of where we all are. And, in all this job search fiasco, it's hard to find that silver lining at the moment.

Ok, so that last blog was one of those ones that will exist only in a certain time in my life. I was upset, it happened.

Right now, I want to say a few words about Summertime.

I auditioned for Summertime out of the blue. Just walked up to the audition desk and said "what the hell?" despite being in another show (A Few Good HOURS). I had worked with the director before, but I knew nothing about the script, the process, or the other actors. So I got called back, read with some people, got cast.

I am so lucky that I decided to just walk in to that room and try out. Summertime is, without a doubt, the best single thing in my life that I have ever been a part of (don't worry, my wonderful A Kids, you guys gave me a lifetime's worth of amazing memories). The cast is 10 people I care about ridiculously, who make me laugh, cry and amaze me with their ability. Kristin knew what she wanted out of the script and out of us and how to get it while still making it an amazing process. Everyone in the tech crew is a respective god or goddess. It's just amazing. Words cannot express how much the people in this show have meant to me.

But the show itself...normally I'd be inclined to applaud everyone else in the show and shuffle behind them because I thought I was the weakest link. This is the first thing I've done in theater and one of the few things I've done in life, that I am 100% proud of doing. I loved my part, I loved the emotions it took me through and I loved my lines. It was all so wonderful. It's kinda weird blogging about it, because I don't know what else to say and yet, it really was just amazing to be a part of it. It's something I'll remember for the rest of my life.

And with that, my favorite lines that I had (for those who don't know, I'm Frank):

EDMUND
Well, there are many kinds of lovers in the world,
many kinds of relationships,
marriages even, you might say.
You are married to her.
FRANK
Only in the sense of being married
not in the sense of being married as you use the term.
EDMUND
You sleep in the same bed.
FRANK
So what?
You can sleep with us, too, if you like.
EDMUND
I beg your pardon?
FRANK
Well, we are friends.
EDMUND
Who?
You and I?
FRANK
Well, yes,
also you and I.
I mean you and I are friends, aren't we?
I hope.

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FRANK
Love these days:
it is such a strange and difficult terrain
so often we don't know where we are
or whether we're in the right place at all
we can't find a place that feels like home
our hearts are lost.

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FRANK
Let's all take off our trousers, then,
so that you feel more comfortable...WHAT?!

by the way, I just realized that that line was "so you don't feel embarrassed"...hmmmm

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FRANK
.....
and even as we live today from day to day
each day is lost as we live it
never to return
we shed our lives as we live them
we die each day
our lives becoming first stories
and then barely remembered dreams
the fleeting stuff of mortality
so that even as we live
we disappear
and all that we have treasured most
disappears with us.

ACK, it was "along with us"! Did I know ANY of my lines right?

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And one of my favorite lines of the play...

FRANCOIS
Or else, we discover it in love.
Because human beings are social animals
not isolated imaginations
and so we discover truly who we are
in our relationships
that's where we can see the full complexity
and wonder of a person
where we see the mystery of what it is to be a human being.