Today I got all of my Feedback forms from the people I've worked with. Towers has a scarily frank policy wherein you provide feedback, including negative, on people you work with, then put your name on it, turn it in to their people manager....and then the employee gets it at their review, names still on there. Is that normal? It seems like it could very easily go confrontational.

But, no such luck. No one hates my guts or cites hygiene problems or anything. Actually, the things they said are incredibly nice and I'm really proud that so many of them liked working with me and, more importantly, want me to return.

New Rule: I'm not allowed to play beer pong without my Irish Euro necklace. It is my amulet of accuracy, my talisman of triumph, my medal of mastery. I was foolish to start the night without it.

Aw, my coworker John won't be here next week, so he just stopped by to say goodbye. Boo on goodbyes!

So it seems like tonight's plan is double-decker beer pong. We're going epic tonight ladies and gents and I'll have to decide who to call upon for my teammate. Tom and I have a history, but Jon and I have a winning streak and playing with Paul = winning. I think I've beaten each of the three with one of the other two, but I don't know how to choose!

No, really, this is what I'm doing at work today...

Does anyone else feel like they're constantly protecting their soul these days? Two nights ago, I was waiting in the front of campus to go to dinner with Cat, reading Meditations and generally grooving out. The sun was shining, but it was breezy and dry, for once this DC summer, and I kept looking up and watching the leaves blow or climbing the stone sides of Healy with my eyes, while looking for another face I hadn't seen for a while.

It hit me just now. I felt as though I was taking my soul for a walk, as though it were a dog, leashed and collared and I was allowing it to run around for a while while I sat and read. I often attribute the purity of my relationship to the more soulful part of myself with the amount of observation I partake in. When I'm in a pure mood, I look at the sky, I scan trees, admire buildings. I notice. I stop and smell, if you will.

It's just a shame that I'm so attuned now to the need to parcel that time out, to say to myself that it's time to go enjoy the world for a bit. Some might call it a shame that I have to set aside time, but to them I say this: towards the end of this past semester, I found it difficult to find Ireland again in my heart, to achieve or visit that serenity that I found standing on the eternal cliffs of the past overlooking the very ocean that separated me in every way from the life I actually lead. Two days ago, sitting on that bench, taking my soul out after a hard day's work, I was able to find it again. I owe some of it to Marcus Aurelius, who gave me the guidance to find that place to retreat to, that same place Westley goes to in The Princess Bride, the book, while being tortured. But I owe some of it also to having something to let go of.

One of my guiding principles is to leave things behind, but to remember where you left them. The only thing healthier than recognizing that a habit should be dropped is to come back to it with a knowledge of its absence and take it up again in earnest. With that in mind, let me now say that I have found my desire to write again. Perhaps I mean to say that I found the desire rather than the need. I no longer want to write as the vehicle of my escape from a corporate world.

I can't wait for the freshmen to come in. Seamus and I spent an hour or so last night updating our scene, and I just can't wait to have fun in front of that audience, to show them the incredible time we have being a part of this group. Seamus guided me towards putting in some of the heart and soul Mask and Bauble changes that I'm planning to implement. Among all the buddy gags and overacting, I am actually glad that I'll have the chance to tell the incomers that they should try anything, because we can give them a vehicle for it.

So I've decided that I like this life a lot, if only because it's helped me deal with so many things that I otherwise would never have. For instance, the idea of being single is not only acceptable, but actually kind of necessary where I am now, with studying and everything. Had things not turned out the way they did, I'm convinced that the end of July beginning of August would have had the same result in that regard.

I was told Monday that on Wednesday I would have to present on a business-related topic of my choosing to one of the managers of the Mid-Atlantic group (DC and Philly). It was something new for the interns this year, meant to test/show us how we'd deal with a rushed client request. So, there I was yesterday, with a big presentation (15 minutes) that I had thrown together in two days, before said manager, my personal manager Diane, two consultants and one very close but still incredibly respectable colleague.

I nailed it.

For all my nervousness, I was clear, sharp and engaging. What's more, I was able to talk about something (a conversion of tools that we're working through) with actual accessible knowledge. Apparently, this was the this that wowed them, which is interesting, because it wasn't a goal of mine. They were impressed that I knew enough to even talk about the topic I chose, much less essentially teach them how well the new tools work.

I felt really proud to hear Dave Suchsland, the high level manager, say to me, "It's amazing to me the amount of crap you've learned and been able to do in eleven weeks. You've learned certainly faster than anyone I've seen." It was just wonderful to hear that. I felt a pretty big smile going on as they evaluated me (and there were some constructive criticisms) and my manager told me that she was amazed at what I was able to put together.

So yeah, this summer was worth it. For all the times that I said that it sucked, that it was hard, that I'd never been so drained, so sad, so alone...it was worth it. Because I stand on my own now more than I ever have.

4 more days of work...then the exam...and then sweet sweet relaxation!

Why AM I here?

That is my mental response to a surprising question from In Sung, one of the the principals here at Towers (it's amazing, the principals have been more influential in how I see my future here than those who are just a little older than me). He asked me when school started and I said the 30th and so he asked why I was leaving earlier and I said I had responsibilities to my theater group. I told him that I was involved in theater (not that I act, but that I was involved at all) and he said, incredulously,

"Why are you here?"

And I answered that I liked math and that it was the safe cocoon of college theater that appealled to me, but it was interesting to have someone from this office say that to me, especially when Rob Nation's always reminding me that they were worried that I'd run away as if theater was actually the circus (insert joke here).

Well, soon I will not be here. How's that?

I realized today that I have a new mental goal. I mean, a while ago, it was for my mom to admit I can act, that I really can do it well. But she has, so now I have a new one.

My office coworkers have told me that I should totally let them know when I'm going to be in a show so that they can all come see it. I want THEM. I want the people I work with to see me doing it. I don't know why. It's not like I need them to say "you should go do that instead." In fact, if anything, if they thought I was good, it might worry them even MORE that I might be leaving. But I just want them to see it, see where I'm coming from or something.

I don't feel like I'm lying to myself, because I don't think I'm at a point where I can honestly "ruin" my life. Way too early. I also will be interested to see how, after the 18th comes and goes, it feels to not actually have any obligation to Towers Perrin. Because right now, I feel locked in, no matter how much I'm actually NOT at all.

I can't wait for the end of the summer. I came, I saw, I conquered...but I want Senior Year.

No matter how many good days I've had this summer, and there have been a lot of them, this has been the hardest time of my life. I think the hardest part is that everything fluctuates so much. This weekend was Social City, population: me. Actually, this weekend, I was probably the mayor of Social City. I had a lot of fun with the house crowd and got to do a lot.

Now it's nothing but work, work, work all the time. Studying for the actuarial exam is tedious, but not because I know the material. I know a lot of it, but it's only really tedious because my house is still out playing pong, while I'm doing my 20th problem on conditional probability.

I had a great lunch yesterday with Mark Dungan, a pretty high level principal in Philadelphia who, with Paul's Dad, helped me get the job. I thought it was going to be this big "So, what do you think of your time here?" discussion, and part of it was, but the better part of it was just he and I talking about life. He just got back from a lake weekend himself, with a bunch of his college buddies and he was talking about how it was the most relaxing thing. That made me smile to think of my A Kids, and how I hope that we keep coming back to each other, year after year.

I have to keep reminding myself that we're not in some science fiction society where if, in a year or so, I decide that I just can't do this actuarial thing, I won't be dragged to the outskirts of the village and shot. I enjoy it now, but I still haven't figured out whether it's what I want to do.

As per usual, my life is coming into focus through a series of closing doors. Recently, I realized that New York is not for me. I can't wait to visit my million friends there and see how well they're doing, but I don't want to live there. Maybe I have said that already here and I'm just trying to cope with this shifting time of life by pointing out all of the decisions I have made.

It's funny when I start listening to really heavy Friends lines, the ones I used to hear and think "less talk, more Chandler!" Last night, I was watching the episode where Joey gets fires from Days of Our Lives and has to give back all his stuff. Ross says to him, "Joey, I need that whole security thing. I need to know where my next paycheck's coming from. I could never do what you do, man" but with this sincerity that I liked so much, that I didn't realize right away that it's been what I've said about acting, myself.

I've gotten into the habit of telling myself I shouldn't think too much about stuff at certain times, like when I first get up, because it inevitably leads to me driving myself nuts by the time I'm at my desk. But now I wonder if perhaps I have that backwards. Jon, our roommate, was telling Sarah Krokey and I how it's actually thought that, instead of thinking yourself mad, you should just go to sleep, let your selfconscious wrangle it out (which it's better at doing when it comes to an important decision about life) and come back to it in the morning.

So what are my normal morning thoughts?

1. I want to stay asleep - Ok, no big deal there. I've gotten that about class for years.
2. I have so much to do today - You know, maybe this is what I'm adjusting to. The king slacker has been actually pretty diligent this summer. I've been going from start to finish of my days and the only real down-time is my hour after work and my one episode of Friends a night (horrors!).
3. I wish the summer was over - I do, plain and simple. I can't wait until my last day here. I wouldn't say, however, that I hope I never come back. It's just too much right now, with AP stuff starting up and knowing that school is coming. This actuarial exam has added a whole new madness to this process, and that's just how this profession is. I have to get used to the studying, which will be SO much worse as the exams continue on.

I keep telling myself, people DO this. People go through hell for a job. Think med school and law school and all that stuff. And the right people go through hell for acting. Adam, for example, is going to have a tough life. It's not going to be Georgetown theater for him and he knows it. BTA is going to have a tough life in LA. He's gonna wake up some mornings and wonder who he is.

Is this life? Or can each of us really pull out of it into something better like so many songs and movies and daily allusions would have us believe? Did I just grow up too fast?

I want to be proud, is all.

I suppose if I wanted people to comment, a sad post about people leaving wasn't exactly the medium I should have selected.

Once again, the workflow here at Towers Perrin has slowed down for me and lots of folks are out of the office, so it feels as though it might stay dried up for the day (which admittedly only has an hour and 15 minutes left in it). This job keeps getting better though. I find it odd that I have gotten a lot out of the big meetings the last few days. Yesterday was the Washington RLOB (Retirement Line of Business) meeting, where the whole crew here got around a table and the principals talked about trends and occurences in the market. And then today was the whole Mid-Atlantic RLOB meeting, which involved the same crew as yesterday video-conferencing with the folks up in Philly.

When did this become my life, I ask you?

It's lonely in georgetown right now. Any sense of a Group that's Around has disappated and now it's up to those of us that are left to make plans with one another unless we want to spend our evenings feeling lost and alone in Washington. "The District Sleeps Alone" was written during the summer. I can almost guarantee it. Unless DC just becomes this way all year round when you don't have school to go to in the fall...best not to think about that.

It's just too vacant. Sarah Krokey and I see each other all the time, but that just feels so weird compared to the extensive network that Georgetown becomes when school's in. Hell, even the ragtag band of Housing bohemians last summer felt more cohesive and home-y.

I've come to the conclusion that none of us is really going to escape work. Even doing something we love is going to end up taking out 8-9 hour chunks of every weekday. As much as I like a good project here, and I love it when I have piles of work to do, I will never get up for work without bed-abandonment issues and I will always be happy when the GUTS bus drops me back on campus. I stand by, however, my claims that the work-week accentuates the highs of life. Nothing makes weekends more restful, or the lake weekend more priceless, then what the weeks hold.

By the way, I'm staying a full year this coming year. I was toying with the idea of leaving early, because the job felt good and the money was still as much as it ever was to stay a student when even a four class semester in the fall could make it all she wrote for college. But then the financial aid info came in and the package this year was so good, that the words "stay the whole year" came out of Mom's mouth before my own.

I miss a lot of people right now. While that makes it perfect for this stand-alone summer I've crafted for myself, I feel like so many friends are beyond my reach.

This is suddenly shaping up to be the hardest summer I've ever had. And that's only because I'm suddenly living in the world of goodbye. The first few people who left were surprisingly hard, especially Joe Talarico, who some know I didn't really mesh with because I didn't tap into his humor like everyone else seemed to. But then recently, after hanging out a bit more and seeing him really stretch himself for Dream Boy, I really have a lot of love and respect for him. And so to see him go during the World Cup party on Sunday was terrible, and that's after only a little bit of friendship. Sophie I lost as if to thieves in the night and she was someone with whom I had the most natural cadence and rapport I've ever experienced. What about when Philippe goes off, not to be seen until I visit him in London or after that, not until next year. What about when Adam, who has become so much closer just this summer, heads off to New York? What about when Krokey goes to Italy and I lose her warm, cozy friendship right next door? How do I say goodbye to Jojo, if only for a semester, after she has become a surprisingly important person in my life, one of the most important? And for fuck's sake, where do I start with Brian? I've already decided not to waste time with apologies for the time when we parted ways, angrily on at least my part. So instead we grew close again and closer in the course of living together and of course, just as I reach my peak of reliance and vulnerability with him, I have to let him go his own way to find what makes him feel fulfilled. I've been blessed by these people, I really have. For all the times I feel like I lack something, that something has never been friends, thank God. I'm blessed to be able to seek out the people in this world that I can trust and that can trust me, but the blessing, no matter how beautiful or how much I would never give them up, often comes to this curse.

The curse of a goodbye.

Once again, nothing to do at work. From here on out, one can pretty much assume that if there's a post on the blog, it's an unwritten intro that I have little work to do at the office.

Things are shifting, moving, changing shape, shifting focus. I'm finding more and more that I not only want to take more time for myself, but that it's starting to become a requirement. Since I now make an effort to go about on my own without taking the myriad thoughts of everything in which I'm not alone with me, I find that the peace I find there is something I really cherish.

Dreamboy was breathtaking. I've never been so impressed by a show I've seen at Georgetown and I have seen some fantastic theater. But to watch Brian and Adam (and everyone, as it's been said) commit so truly to those characters, that it really put us in this rural Southern town, in the woods while they camped, in the house where the audience was just as haunted as they were, was beautiful. From the moment Brian and Adam looked at each other as they walked on stage, there was this intense chemistry, and an honest acceptance of that chemistry. I had expected this Brokeback-esque story where they come to realize how they feel, but in this, it was like they knew it when they saw each other. Brian's Roy was powerful, and it was the first time that his incredible upkeep of his body really gave everything to the role, because he was believable as perfect to Adam's character, Nathan. I think, though, that my favorite Roy moments were when he enjoyed something honestly, like his beaming smile when they arrived at the indian mound. I could see Brian doing that, in a moment no one saw, where the physical world lifted him up.

Adam was beautiful. I have had the pleasure of working with him many a time now and I've seen power, humor, and intense commitment. But in this show, he was so incredibly fragile and sweet. Like Brian, there were moments when Nathan would smile and I'd melt inside, because it was so beautifully committed.

Cranium with the cast last night was fun, and Sophie and I rocked a pretty sweet connection until Jesse and Philippe pulled away with the win. But hey, Cranium: Primo Edition is HARD.

Alright, work has arrived, so au revoir.