It's been something of a crazy week around here. From my complete breakdown the other night when several things hit the fan at once, to my finally restful weekend, I just feel like I've been all over the place, which is weird, because a close friend of mine here is being far more emotionally random lately. I guess a lot of people just find this time to be ripe for self-analysis, which only comes with intense emotional struggles.

Speaking of struggle, getting myself to class was difficult this past week. Something about not calling a snow day and just playing the cancellations by ear made the school a temporary evil, and made me apathetic about going to the classes I didn't have cancelled.

Otherwise, I'm not sure where I am right now, to be perfectly honest. I guess I'm still getting used to my new schedule; I just don't feel like it's my life I go through every day. I do have a few extracurricular things going for me. The dancing classes are up in the air because I'm not sure if I have enough intrinsic interest to do it without the girls. I was cast in W;t as the main character's father in a flashback and one of her students. It'll be good to be part of a cast again and the role gives me enough leeway to do the dancing or work on the newspaper writing a film column. I'm really interested in writing a column that talks about "Movies You Need to See in Your Life" or something along those lines. I am feeling pretty awful about even considering dropping the dancing lessons, because it makes me remember everything I've ever stuck with for just a week before I dropped it too. I know people have told me that I don't quit as much as I think, but it's hard to remember that at times like this.

MY COMPUTER HATES ME IN A WAY THAT LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT, IN THE PAST, I SET FIRE TO ITS ENTIRE COMPUTER VILLAGE AND MURDERED THE COMPUTER CHILDREN. I HAVE GONE FROM NO INTERNET TO REINSTALLING WINDOWS TO FIX SAID PROBLEM AND THUS LOSING ALL OF MY MUSIC FROM YEARS OF MASSING MUSIC FILES, DESPITE HAVING BACKED UP THE FILES. AND THE DAMN INTERNET IS STILL NOT FUNCTIONING. I FEEL SO GODDAMN HELPLESS THAT I SCREAMED OUT OF A WINDOW IN MY FRIENDS' DORM LAST NIGHT AND NOW, I CAN'T EVEN FIND THE CONNECTION THAT DIDN'T WORK SO I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S THE SAME PROBLEM OR A WHOLE NEW ONE!


And that's where I stand....actually, I'm done standing, I just want to collapse away from this whole ordeal and just leave it behind.

Yes, one and all, Ian's internet is still kaput. At the moment, I am typing in the Mask and Bauble Dramatic Society Office, which is one of a few places that I now frequent for e-mails. I'm beginning to consider the internet loss more a blessing than a curse. As of late, I've found myself trying and doing things that I've never done and it's working out quite well. For instance, this may not seem like much for some, but I went dancing at a Latin club last Saturday and had an incredible time. Whether I had more fun dancing or playing interference with the sketchy male patrons trying to "dance-rape" the girls that came. It became a science eventually, and we could successfully create a male wall a few seconds after detection. Dancing was suprisingly fun and I didn't massacre any female toes all night; I'm proud. In light of the fun I had and due to previous discussions, a few friends and I are embarking on ballroom dancing to see if we can pick that up. I've always wanted to learn because it's just a little more fun when you know what you're doing. Finally, I think I may apply to write film columns for The Hoya, our main school paper. I figure it's a reason to see free movies and write about something I really enjoy.

So that's the news from the Hilltop, where the internet is broken, Ian is coping, and all the children are freezing their asses off.

I was thinking today that I have an insane amount of DVDs. Now if I said this to my friends, everyone would probably look at me as if I had said, “Hey, the universe is a big place.” I realize that it is something of a given, and perhaps even an understatement, but I suppose this is the first time that I actually thought about it. During the course of winter break, I was given or bought over 20 DVDs, which I believe finally pushes my total into being a collection. When I came home today after buying four more of them at Best Buy, I got to thinking about why I’m so into movies. At first I was struck with a sad theory that maybe I enjoy spending hours at a time away from my life, because I’m unhappy or dissatisfied with it. I soon dismissed this idea as I found kindred spirits who all suggested some medium in which they can escape. However, I still wondered why my escape was so unproductive, because as much as I enjoy it, after a movie is over, I haven’t really contributed much, even to myself really.

After a little more deliberation, I realized that watching movies gives me an escape in a very interesting way. First of all, I love movies with great acting and great writing. Cinematography, CGI, concepts and things like that don’t really impress me, except in things like the Lord of the Rings and the Matrix, when they enhance the story. By the same token, Tarantino movies do nothing for me, though I acknowledge that he does some amazing things with a camera and plot contrivances. What I appreciate in movies is the relation to life. One of my absolute favorite movies is Good Will Hunting purely because the characters in it are so real and vibrant. When I’m describing a movie, I usually don’t use “ground-breaking” or “technically brilliant,” but things like “powerful,” “inspirational,” and “moving.” So I suppose that when I feel like my life is lacking in intense emotions, I can find momentary relief in a dramatic scene. Movies are therapeutic for me, in an almost Hamlet-esque sense. I feel like Hamlet does after watching the Player perform, except instead of feeling revolted by my own lack of emotions, I feel recharged. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not, but I think that is part of why I love movies.

Well, just like the end of last summer, I manage to be one of the last to leave Alpharetta. I’ve spent the better part of a week milling about my house, watching new movies and Family Guy, and if I’m lucky, getting the entire crossword done. Wow, those are the good days. To be fair, it’s not so bad to be alone for a while. I don’t think the modern world really allows a person the chance to be alone. I mean, sure, I can be in my dorm room by myself, but usually my internet is hooked up, which basically invites distraction. I’ve felt more alone in a room full of people on occasion than I do when I’m on the internet. I do have the internet at home, but I really don’t think I’ve been as attached to it as I have been and likely will be at school. Being along induces thinking, the sort of thinking you can’t do when you’re being bombarded by people. The only thinking I find more productive is when I’m with a person who knows me well enough that I am as honest as I am when I’m alone (or perhaps more honest) and we can talk about things.

I suppose the break went off without a hitch, although New Year’s brought the annual stress along with it that once again didn’t give me a break until Mom was asleep, at which point we popped in Pirates of the Caribbean, which made me immediately lose consciousness. I realized the day afterwards sitting at breakfast that there won’t be another New Year’s like that. Mom’s move is inevitable; the only issue is when during the summer we’ll move. I won’t be in Alpharetta next year and that would kind of hinder the whole thing. However, I began thinking about the chances of it actually happening even if we weren’t moving. I mean, as we all grow more and more in our college atmospheres, could we really expect the party to be a constant? Things had changed already this year, though not necessarily in a bad way. I feel bad because I don’t want to sell short seeing people and having a great time with them. It was wonderful being with everyone and some bonds are closer than ever, even ones I had doubted. So if it’s all so peachy, why consider something this depressing? Guess I always had a penchant for putting a damper on things…