So to keep up my monthly "I don't feel like doing [blank], so I'll blog" trend, let's do this, shall we?
Eh, let's keep it to bullet points.

>Dan's blog makes me want to write again without making me hate him...this makes me very happy. I don't know where he finds the time, but perhaps between the Mario Cart games, I could scribble a few words down. I guess you could say I fell off my bike this summer when I worked my ass off on a piece I didn't even particularly like, just because I wanted to push myself. I need to get back on soon.

>We FINALLY SIGNED ON THE HOUSE! OH SWEET MERCIFUL LORD, IT'S OVER! For anyone who doesn't know, finding housing from next year took roughly three years off my life expectancy. I've never been so aggravated in my life with something so tedious. Anyway, the guys (Paul, Moffet, Dan, Tom, James and I) will be living at 3610 T street, a sweet townhouse with six single rooms. Sure, it's like four blocks off campus and that's far in georgetown terms, but I think it should be ok.

>My nickname at my Residence Hall Office is Bowser...that's right, the big angry dinosaur from Mario. Also, we took 2nd at Inter-RHO dodgeball! [Insert BOWSER roar].

>I'm doing pretty well for myself, and for the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to realize that...without some sort of writing award, two tiered-trophy in Ms. Edwards's office, standing ovation, or beautiful woman who cares about me to go along with it. It's sad that it's taken me this long, but I guess I've just never seen what other people see in me. I wasn't denying its existence for the sake of praise...I just didn't see it unless I had proof. Now, I'm pretty much ok with being grounded in myself and I'm not as frustrated with my life in what you might call Down Time. For more details on that...IM me or something.

>I'm gonna come right out and say that when it comes to math, I'm a prick. Or at least a prick when pricked. Last night I worked on stats with two guys from my class, and one, who's a senior and who was running a tutoring session while we were working on the homework, apparently likes to throw his weight around. I'd start talking about the process I took to get to my answer, and he'd just interrupt and tell me to look up a Z-score on the Stats chart while he moved on. So I began to take a smug enjoyment out of the point where he'd offer an answer and I had calculated something else. I mean, yeah, it's a pretty conceited thing to become a dick because you think you're right, but I justify it to myself because I feel like if it was three people trying to work it out together, I'd definitely feel more collaborative.

> The Winter's Tale is going to be AMAZING. First of all, the leads are played by my favorite actor and actress in Georgetown. Secondly, I have a part I really like (For all you Gtown folk, have you heard that I'm the moral center of the play? From me? Like 8 times?) and third, it's just nice to sit around a table with people again.

What blew ME away was over Thanksgiving when my mother, Mary Louise McCarthy, Ms. "Graduate ASAP and start making money" told me "I think you should be able to get a position with an actuarial firm and then do theater at night, because you really shouldn't give that up." I couldn't believe it. I mean, I'd love to dance around and shout "Operation Kick-Ass-in-Much-Ado-so-Mom-will-realize-that-I-can-do-this was a success!" but I was honestly too floored to do even that. Constantly shocking, that woman.

>Things are ok right now...which, as the bullet point 3 points up suggests, means more to me right now than things being spectacular when I have a lot of good stuff going on.

So, I don't feel like picking Dickens's Our Mutual Friend back up just yet, and yet I've decided to be In The Library for the night, so I can't just completely dick around online...plus a watched collegehumor.com doesn't put your picture up...or something.

So I surfed some blogs tonight and, as usual, Dan and Drew once again, through their own musings on being tired of classes, etc, make me feel like I'm somehow tired of class in a less profound and meaningful way. Dan's writing, directing, embodying theatre. Drew's rockin' Off-Off (which sounds awesome, by the way) and still is one of the most honest dreamers I've ever known, if I can claim to know him now. At least Dan and I have something going on between us (snicker), but I always felt like I wasn't something enough for Drew Dir. Not that he would reject me, but that I had no business approaching him. I know it's all bullshit and lord knows a similar mindset tainted my friendship with Sterling for years, but I just remember being at my surprise toga birthday party in 2003 and being shocked to find Drew there.

But I seriously worry about what I'm doing in classes sometimes. I concentrate so much on Shakespeare in the English department, and yet I don't have any flashing insights or thesis ideas besides "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to analyze how Shakespeare, Marlowe and Mel Gibson have shaped the dramatic history of England?" And you know what, it would be cool, but it would also be trite, limited in application due to its modern focus, and let's face it, bad. I mean, do any of my other English majors (holla if you hear me) feel so happy when a professor says "good insight" that you want to immediately write down whatever the fuck it was you said because it might be the best idea you'll ever have?

Do I really like Shakespeare more than anyone else? Possibly. Do I really KNOW more about him than anyone else? Not so sure. (Yes, I realize that my anyone else is ridiculously limited, but this is academia, folks).

And how much longer can I ignore the fact that I can act Shakespeare and act it well? Because eventually, I'll be ignoring it for the long haul. Do I sound pretentious? Good. I owe it to all invitees to the pity party I've held for years now to say, yes, I know I am good at certain things. Certain people have helped me get there, but I'm there, and now the hard part is acting on that...

Oh, by the way, since I consider myself a musical heathen who likes everything, I usually don't make music suggestions, BUT I highly Highly recommend the band Carbon Leaf. I'd love to be able to say "They sound like..." but I'm bad at that. I feel like they've got a bit of Guster in their arrangement, a bit of DMB. The lead singer's voice sounds like Eve 6's lead singer, though much less forced syllables. In simple terms, they're brilliant. Lyrically, they lift you out of music that makes you feel like you've outgrown it because you're no longer quite so angsty. Musically, you travel. As a sample, download the following:

Changeless - A brilliant taste of their current sound. I love this song because it's comforting, especially when one feels far from friends, but at the same time, it's not deluded about how things change.

The Boxer - The epitome of old school Carbon Leaf and yet still one of their best songs. It's got their original celtic feel running amok through it, but you can also hear the fun they have making music together. It screams to be the song you play when you hit the highway on a roadtrip.

Let Your Troubles Roll By - Moffet argues that this is their best song lyrically. That has some merit, but if anything, I'd say this song is onomatopoeic of its title. If you're weary, feeling small, this song will do the trick really well.

Life Less Ordinary - My personal favorite, lyrically. It's personal that I like it, but it's still a good song.

Raise the Roof - Transcendant...pure and simple. And the chorus pulls at you...

Alright, I'm done plugging, as my reviews are getting shorter and shorter.

So I'm gonna go listen to Midnight Oil, if you get me.

Um....Not London So Much....BABY!

Hey kids, just so we're clear. I'm not going to London. I'm staying at Georgetown next semester. I've been cast in Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale going up in February. I'm coming home for New Years (and I need digs, pwease) and Spring Break is in the works as we speak.

Cheers,
Ian

London Baby!

I got into University College London for next semester! I'm pretty excited, although it's a bit dauntiing now and being abroad for next semester is a bit freaky all of a sudden. Also, I'm not sure when I'll see the A Kids again, since my usual times to see them are Spring Break and New Years. The former definitely won't work and Mom's trying to fly me out on the 2nd of January, so I doubt the latter could either. Sad, guys! Although it looks like I might be flying out of ATL, so at least I'll be in the city for all of two seconds.

I really don't want to think about when I'll see you guys next...

Anyway, Photo call for the show's tonight, so I'm gonna try to make a warmup CD for the dressing room. And hey, if people want posters from the show (I'm on the poster), send me your address in an e-mail to imf5@georgetown.edu.

Much Love,
Ian

I'm Alive

That's right, I'm actually going to blog, but only in an update sense, because I just can't let myself get into my usual blog-it-out bitchfest, even if I need to purge a bit.

Much Ado is going amazingly well. We had press run last night and it felt great to finally have an audience, especially for the monologues, which are still the part I'm most nervous about. I dropped some lines, but I didn't lose my momentum...I don't think. And all of the extra-textual stuff went pretty well; we foxtrotted, hymned and charlestoned our weasly black guts out. Afterwards, the reporters from the Hoya and the Voice interviewed cast members, so Cat and I ad libbed about our characters and how chemistry works between actors and why we identify with Benedick and Beatrice and it all seemed really weirdly technical. I wonder if Johnny Depp feels removed from his work when he's asked about it, because that's definitely how I felt...because, you know, we're comparable and all.

The set is practically done and it's gorgeous. Hanging Chinese lanterns, a gazebo through which the audience enters, fake grass with tiles running through it, a fountain, and a "marble" porch. Fitzgerald would be proud. Everyone in the cast is absolutely amazing and hilarious. The Watch scenes have me rolling every night and being on stage with the gallants is always a trip. I generally feel more comfortable with the heavier scenes, though; for some reason, the quick wit of the beginning always makes me feel nervous because I feel responsible for getting laughs.

I'm still fighting this damn cold, though, and I just wish it would let me be, so I wouldn't feel vocally castrated onstage as I do at points. I mean, acting-wise, I'm comfortable with my performance, but I just want to belt it to the back and I can't. Luckily the back isn't so far from the front.

Classes are whupping me. I can't keep up with them and the show and they're getting the shaft. My Dickens response papers have gone down in quality, and it really bugs me when she hands back papers that say I just plain misread part of Great Expectation

The iTunes quiz borrowed from Ali

All you gotta do is put your iTunes (or other mp3 player) on random and let the sequence of songs answer the following questions:

What do you think of me, iTunes?
"In The Pit" - Reel Big Fish (Ouch, iTunes, we're off to a bad start)

Will I have a happy life?
"Wish You Were Here" - Fred Durst + Johnny Rzeznik (Umm...does that mean I'll be missing someone?)

What do my friends really think of me?
"Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor (Hmm, that I'm a survivor or that I pump them up)

Do people secretly lust after me?
"The Distance" - Cake (From far away?)

How can I make myself happy?
"Here's to the Night" - Eve 6 (I actually really like this answer)

What should I do with my life?
"The Heart of the Matter" - Don Henley (Ooh, way to call me out, iTunes)

Why must life be so full of pain?
"Angels" - Stroke 9 (The lyrics fit...sorta)

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
"Breathe" - Nickelback (OH MY GOD)

Will I ever have children?
"Desperation Song" - Carbon Leaf (Dude, iTunes, seriously, that's just mean)

Will I die happy?
"Happy" - Sister Hazel (::is creeped out::)

Can you give me some advice?
"Everybody Have Fun Tonight" - Wang Chung (Don't have to tell me twice)

What do you think happiness is?
"All For You" - Sister Hazel (Sounds about right...which may not be good)

What's my favourite fetish?
"Wasted Time" - The Eagles (Que?)

So yeah, that's all I have in lieu of actual stuff about me..

People are coming back!

Last night BTA and I hung out at my place, checked out Mia's for a while and then sat buzzing on the patio catching up with things. After talking with him for a bit, I am now pretty sure study abroad is what I want to do. Up until now, most people just told me that I should do it, that everyone should and that, being an established member of the everyone community, I should too. However, that never really affected me much. But Brian, instead of advising me to go, just talked about his time in Mexico and the way it let him strip things down. And that finally resonated. But, in the end, when we were talking about how I'm torn on going to London or staying here in the spring, he didn't push at all, but said that whatever I figure out is gonna be the right thing for me, which impressed me, because he could very easily be invested in me staying around. But, for all the mystique and rhetoric people associate with BTA, it's hard to knock the solid principles when you know they're supporting you in whatever you choose to pursue.

In other news, my cousin Rachel visited this weekend and I hope, despite the deadness of campus, that she had a good time and doesn't still consider me that nerdy cousin she always had to hear her grandparents talk about. We started the weekend with the Nothing-Goes-Home pact, which it turns out was necessary, and that began a weekend of me realizing that we have sort of connection in that we're both in this college thing together, something that Erin and I don't really have because our worlds intersect. However, I really didn't have much to show Rachel after a 15 minute campus tour, and had it not been for a party Saturday night, I would have bored her to tears. I guess I'm just really comfortable with sitting in my apartment watching TV or out on the patio doing nothing or chatting at the theater kids' house. But throw my cousin in, who admittedly told me I didn't have to entertain her, and suddenly everything felt really boring. So, while I'd love Rachel to come down again on, say, a bustling theater weekend, it felt nice to be my boring self again once she left.

Mom came down Saturday and took Rachel, Tom and me out to lunch. Once again, I'm just shocked at how laid back Mom is now. We just sat at Clyde's talking and telling stories, Mom and I trying to top one another at making Tom and Rachel laugh with such illustrious tales as Eating the Other Kid's Food and The Day Mom Ripped the Car Door Off. She mentioned a few to-do's for me (applying for London, picking up my fifth class) but didn't overdo it, and after she left, I kinda felt bad that she had come in, dropped off groceries and my new computer, took us out and then went back to Baltimore.

I just want classes to start!

I live on top of the world!

Ok, so not really, but my new Village A rooftop apartment is pretty close. We're talking glass door off the living room onto a rooftop patio overlooking the Potomac and Rosslyn, Virginia across the river. It's the type of apartment I've wanted since the first Georgetown tour I ever took, and now it's mine, if only for one semester.

Tommy Boy and I are rooming together again, which is odd considering we're the only ones who have arrived thus far and we're still sleeping in the same room. We moved in all weekend, which was devastating, because A) we have a lot of crap and B) apparently there's an exhaust vent from HELL somewhere around here because it's stiflingly hot (the weather channel website actually forecast it as "Stiflingly hot"). Saturday we moved most of our stuff, starting at about 3:30 and finally finishing at about 8:30. We went from ecstatic about the apartment to bitching about moving to too exhausted to bitch at all. But, our living room is situated and HUGE and our fridge is filled only with a Brita pitcher and 2 cases (yeah, anyone else see the nice cycle those provide?). Most importantly, Big Stevie (the TV, yeah FRIENDS) is situated perfectly for a whole year (in my case, a semester) of wasteful entertainment. It's gonna be great!

Now, Tom is gone and I have the apartment to myself, and while is fun to rule the place and dance around like an idiot to music, it feels pretty dead without the other guys or any personal decorations. Plus, I just want people to start getting back, although that means the semester will start and will be over before I can blink and then I'll be in London. But still, I want the campus to thrive again. It's getting a bit Twilight Zone whenever I see the empty walkways and Red Square with like two people in it.

But, the great new place means I expect visits. As much as I joke about our housing getting better every year, it won't this time. This is like the best Georgetown has to offer, I feel, so please, come visit, A kids, particularly if I'm in a show, because I want to have you guys see me in my natural college realm just like I've seen y'all. I want to show off, both in showing Georgetown to you, and, let's face it, showing Georgetown the folks I won't shut up about.

This blog is tainted.

Ok, so that's dramatic, but what I mean is that the site has become so frequented by so many different people that I can only write about singular things for fear of embarassing someone. Also, I used to use it to let go of things. You give them words, you put them somewhere and they're off your mind for a while. At some point, this began to feel too exposed, but this is not fair to me, so I'm taking it back.

I'm tired of thinking too much. It's been my problem forever and I wish I knew how to get past it, but I can't. I shaved this past weekend because of a few offhand comments from my friends, who, I know, didn't want me to change anything. However, I thought they didn't like it and what's worse, I thought that was a justifiable reason to forget that I did. I feel ridiculous about this whole thing and what I want more than anything is my little mane of hair back. Plus, overthought in general has been something that friends and girlfriends always point out about me, as if I didn't know it. I don't know how to dial it down. I just think a lot about things, patterns, meanings, etc. I try to figure out what other people are thinking when I'm no good at it. There were several times over my perfect weekend in Georgia when I felt myself ruining a moment by overthinking. Luckily, my friends have mastered the art of smacking me upside the head.

Speaking of which, I just read Sterling's blog and no one in THE WORLD can read me better than him. Fuck poker, that guy could call me all-in on life. Luckily, whenever he calls me out, I learn, if just a smidge. As for him, he's not so lucky when it comes to a lack of elaboration. I will be brief though: Read my senior letter, man. Thank God you never took my advice and burned it. Sift through the Friedman-influence rhetoric and find the sincere thanks of someone proud to be your friend. You are a god among insects, never let anyone tell you different.

Speaking of which...again...this weekend was incredible. I loved chilling by the pool with Meghan and Joe, landbound by thunder. And how great did it feel to be playing trivia again, losing unspeakably sure, but playing was nice, even with the background of big men stuffing cheesefries into their mouths. Seeing Dan, Jason and Adam was fun, too, and I agree with Sterling that it felt very familiar, like high school had been shunted a bit and we were in the F hall state of mind (sorry Billy Joel).

Friday was great, though I wish I'd kept up more with my church friends because I owe Andrew more than some reheated memories over Chili's and I owe Matt a helluva lot more than not seeing him, especially once we decided not to go to the game. It's not that I don't like those guys. I had a blast with them back in the day and they're still a riot. But I had four days and the A Kids are the people my kids are gonna call Aunts and Uncles. I wanted to spend it wisely, though not too "Let's make sure to make it memorable," because we played that game the summer before college.

Poker at Kramer's was fun. I maintain that had I stayed in, I would have come in second, but hey, no harm, no foul. I kinda wish I'd dropped out and chatted with folks, but I had a good time, even with Grampa Sterling teaching me how to play every so often.

The trip to the Youngman's was way more fun that I expected, considering that I thought Audie couldn't stand me, but she was the sweetest thing, as was her whole family and I was more than happy to help move stuff...which, thinking back, I don't know if I ever really lifted much. But I did a number on that Corona!

Saturday night was epic, pants down (smirk). Ben Folds was great and I still can't believe we were that close. Almost everyone I've told about it thought the throwing of the stoll was kitchy...but I kinda thought it was badass, so pleh on them.

And after the club, it's the afterparty. First of all, Mic's apartment was gorgeous. Well done, hon. Plus, does anyone else feel like we pulled a bit of Hannukah magic when it came to the drinks? For some reason, it seemed for a while there, we didn't think we had anything and were lamenting closed liquor stores, but we ended up doing pretty damn well.

All in all, it was a great weekend and I'm glad I got to see everyone I did. I wish I could have seen Katie, Hanley, and Jamie, as well as more church folks, but everyone in DC is gonna have to hear about the fun I had for quite some time.

That's it, I'm done.

Cheers, Ladies and Gents

20 years.

When the clock notched past midnight last night, my friends here in gtown wished me happy birthday. IT was nice and I reveled in the attention, but it didn't feel any different. Birthdays rarely do. Even after I got my presents, wax and an "F" seal to write letters with, a nice card and, of course, a life-size cutout of Princess Leia in the gold bikini, I was overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness, but the whole birthday thing hadn't hit me yet.

Today, however, on my way back up to campus from Booey's, with my usual Duke sandwich sitting warmly in my stomach, it hit me, as a wise man once wrote, like a sledgehammer tied to the front of a frieght train. I've been around twenty years. It's not that I'm some fraction through my life that feels weird. It's these twenty years. That's two decades, two "I love the..." specials on VH1. For some reason, I'm just blown away by this feeling. To have that much life behind me is what makes me feel ancient. It's both paralyzing and moving. Frightening and reassuring. Two decades. One in which we're guided along the way, the next in which we're observed and advised but basically left alone. Now, we enter the solo flight. Yeah, sure the parents are there, but how many of us have suddenly looked at our parents and caught them furtively leading their own lives? That's just it. It's our show now. Our parents are invested in it, but it's not about doing right by them anymore (although that may have just been me through high school).

And where am I at 20? My future has three levels that I can see now.
First, the fantasy: to be in movies, to make the things I love so much and meet all the people I am enthralled with (much to the chagrin of all those critics of the effect of celebrity).
Second, the escape: to be published and thus transport myself, through a decent amount of sales, out of...
Third, the parachute: the whole actuarial business. It's appalling how much I don't think about this when it's what I tell people I'm going to do with my life. And at the same time, I can't just pull out of it cold turkey. I'll be the first to tell you that I don't want to deal with my mom if I was to tell her that I just want to be a writer. She knows I write. She knows I'm good at it. But somehow she couldn't make the leap of faith to let me forgo a "real" job. So there you have it. I quite frankly don't have the balls to pack up and try to make it in movies. It's the dream and thus I only see the benefits, me on a red carpet, or in front of the camera with my favorite actors. I don't think about the hard work involved. With the writing, I know the hard work because I do it all the time. I'm constantly fighting with myself to keep going. I guess if I could have anything happen, realistically that is, it would be for me to finish my current project, edit it and get it published. Maybe enough people will take notice and I'll still pursue my Math and English degrees and go straight into writing and teaching.

But all this is overthought. All I really have to concentrate on is getting my work done and sticking to my writing. Maybe I'll keep a sharp eye out for anything that might make the first scenario happen without really sticking my neck out. Who knows?

I'm 20. It took me a long time to get here. Looking back, some points stretch it until it feels much longer than 20 years, but there they are. Some of them have been so wonderful that it's almost painful not to still be there. Right now, while I'm having a great time with my friends here, I feel like I'm in a transitional period, probably because neither of my jobs pertain to my plans, and yet three months seems like a lot of precious time to put aside as transitional.

Anyway, this has all gone a lot longer than I intended. I'm twenty!

I remember some day during Senior Year (does anyone else find themselves ALWAYS capitalizing that phrase?) when I was driving Kramer and Meghan to their cars and somehow we were talking about me. I remember suddenly saying that I hadn't been genuinely happy for a long time, that I'd had moments of fun, but not that happiness at the core. Then, that night, by coincidence, Kate called me (during what was still some slightly awkward times) and said "Hey, are you ok?" And I remember thinking, "Wow, if people see it this much, it's gotten bad."

I think I might be in that place again. I'm not desperately depressed or anguished about life. But there's just this gap, I feel. I doesn't help that I feel like I dreamt all the stuff that's happened this year or maybe I'm dreaming now. I need to start writing again, I know. I always feel better at the core when I put out some decent writing, but otherwise, I'm very blah.

I don't know what to do about it, really. All I know is I'm concerned about the person I am vs. the person I want to be. I'm getting that same feeling from last summer of having someone else controlling my life. I'm trying to just let go, you know? Just take life in and enjoy a lax summer for what it is, but I feel like it's down time that I should use to figure myself the hell out. Maybe not, maybe I'm just, well, overthinking it all. But I'm not overthinking this feeling I have. It's empty and can really really hurt sometimes. I miss my A Kids a lot because I could use the support or just the great feeling of sitting back and talking about everything and nothing. I'm making some connections here stronger, I feel, but the established ones...I miss them.

I'm done here.

It's been quite a year.

Almost halfway done with college and, as is my custom, I'm looking back a bit. I can't believe that the beginning of this school year was even the same life as it is at the end. The fact that I was in Pygmalion in fall and Summertime in Spring, and A Few Good Men in between is mind-boggling, because it feels like three different worlds. I can't believe I lived in Georgia at the beginning and now we're almost completely extracted to Baltimore. It's been a year of big changes, visible and almost imperceptible. And, as with any time of change, there are things I'm not particularly proud of, times when I was a person I don't want to be. You know what I mean, the times when you look back, sometimes months later, sometimes a minute later, and wish you could take something back because it was just a moment of weakness and yet it rippled out and created something else entirely to deal with. Things you just could have handled better if you'd thought more or thought less, said more or said less. There's no hard and fast rule that could have fixed all of these things, but you just know that for a moment, you weren't too pleased with yourself.

And yet, somehow, this year was amazing. Without all that getting-used-to-college stuff of freshman year, I really had a lot of fun this year. I created some things, be it performances or pieces for class, that I am incredibly proud of. This year, there were countless times when I just stepped back and caught my breath for a moment, amazed and speechless at the events around me. It would be brief moments, but I gave each its time and then jumped back in, because you can't spend too much time stepping back or it moves on without you. I found myself recognizing such moments frequently this year, sometimes cascading one after the other until I couldn't believe that such times existed in the same life as the less appealing things I've been through and done. It's been an unspeakably moving ride and I hope everyone involved knows I appreciate the hell out of them for it.

All this appreciation, however, isn't to say all's well. There are still things here and there. I spent an hour off by myself last night, in a place where no one could find me or hear me and tried to get down to what's there without the rest of the world. What I want to do, what I might end up doing instead of that, whether or not I can let myself settle for a future that's not quite what I want and then asking myself if I even have some dream future I'd pursue if it weren't for the pressure to get a "real job." Add that to the endless overthought and beating myself up for overthought and rinse and repeat, and you have quite a one-man show, but with no audience. So yeah, there's still some questions with no answers and I'm not yet a person who can accept them.

But the year-in-review is more to say that this year has been magical. Because even if there were stumbles and falls, there were points in the course of the last nine months that I was intensely euphorically pleased with my life. As much as I'd like to say otherwise, I never got there last year, which says nothing about the friends I kept or the things I was a part of. It's something internal, and this year I found it, admittedly with the support of certain friends. A person tells you enough times to stop getting down on yourselfand that you aren't the screwup you think you are, and you start to realize they're right, so long as you leave yourself open to that possibility.

So, the point is, after this year, I'm starting to think they're right. But at the same time, I need to remember that it's all one big work in progress.

You know, when we were leaving high school, we thought we knew what nostalgia was. We were having lots of fun all year, and when we came to the end, we felt sad and misty. Rightfully so, I feel. But I don't know if what we felt then, the feeling that all those good things were changing, drifting away from us, was really what being nostalgic was all about.

Today I was writing up my resume for my God-help-me-get-a-summer-job. I needed to list some achievements, so I went to the yearbook to grab my high school ones. When I flipped to my Outstanding Senior page, I was completely shocked. I don't recognize that picture of myself anymore. It just seemed like a completely different person from a completely different time, and I realize that in a certain way, that's true, but it still felt like not only am I no longer that person, but I can't believe I ever was. It's not that I feel like I'm better or worse as a person now, but I just feel so distant from that time. I've never gotten that feeling before, not with the countless pictures of myself as a child. I guess it's just weird to see a picture of myself at a time when I had definitely defined myself as a person, but at the same time that definition has also changed. So there I sat staring at this picture of someone I barely even recognize. I flipped around the book and all of it felt so foreign.

Then I came to the picture of all of us at homecoming, sitting around the table at Hanley's house, with that indifferent caption about "A group of seniors" spending their last homecoming together. And it really felt, for a moment, like it was just some group of seniors. My eyes ran over the faces and it just felt so completely foreign to me. And then this new feeling crept in. This cold feeling as if there was a warmth in that picture that used to warm me even after we were in that moment, but that I had somehow been taken away from. I wanted it back so desperately and yet at the same time, it felt ridiculous to want to cast aside the memories between then and now. It's not regret, because I regret neither the time I spent with everyone nor the fact that we've all grown. That's when I realize that those sad moments of the end of high school were tragic, heart-breaking and powerful, but they weren't nostalgia, not yet. Nostalgia is much, much harder, because you're no longer looking at one part of your life while getting ready for the next one, but you're looking at a part of you life that has replaced numerous times by the dozens of lives we live from year to year, those stages we go through that feel like separate existences altogether. Nostalgia is a sort of amazement, a reverence, a sadness that you, the vessel of emotions that changes so often was once in that one place, a place you can only glimpse anymore.

A kids and other friends from Milton, I miss you guys. I miss you terribly. And while I think it's wonderful that we all have done so much in the various schools we attend, I must admit I miss you in that moment, I miss the way we were.

The only thing that makes it easier is finding the fine qualities of where we all are. And, in all this job search fiasco, it's hard to find that silver lining at the moment.

Ok, so that last blog was one of those ones that will exist only in a certain time in my life. I was upset, it happened.

Right now, I want to say a few words about Summertime.

I auditioned for Summertime out of the blue. Just walked up to the audition desk and said "what the hell?" despite being in another show (A Few Good HOURS). I had worked with the director before, but I knew nothing about the script, the process, or the other actors. So I got called back, read with some people, got cast.

I am so lucky that I decided to just walk in to that room and try out. Summertime is, without a doubt, the best single thing in my life that I have ever been a part of (don't worry, my wonderful A Kids, you guys gave me a lifetime's worth of amazing memories). The cast is 10 people I care about ridiculously, who make me laugh, cry and amaze me with their ability. Kristin knew what she wanted out of the script and out of us and how to get it while still making it an amazing process. Everyone in the tech crew is a respective god or goddess. It's just amazing. Words cannot express how much the people in this show have meant to me.

But the show itself...normally I'd be inclined to applaud everyone else in the show and shuffle behind them because I thought I was the weakest link. This is the first thing I've done in theater and one of the few things I've done in life, that I am 100% proud of doing. I loved my part, I loved the emotions it took me through and I loved my lines. It was all so wonderful. It's kinda weird blogging about it, because I don't know what else to say and yet, it really was just amazing to be a part of it. It's something I'll remember for the rest of my life.

And with that, my favorite lines that I had (for those who don't know, I'm Frank):

EDMUND
Well, there are many kinds of lovers in the world,
many kinds of relationships,
marriages even, you might say.
You are married to her.
FRANK
Only in the sense of being married
not in the sense of being married as you use the term.
EDMUND
You sleep in the same bed.
FRANK
So what?
You can sleep with us, too, if you like.
EDMUND
I beg your pardon?
FRANK
Well, we are friends.
EDMUND
Who?
You and I?
FRANK
Well, yes,
also you and I.
I mean you and I are friends, aren't we?
I hope.

--------------------------

FRANK
Love these days:
it is such a strange and difficult terrain
so often we don't know where we are
or whether we're in the right place at all
we can't find a place that feels like home
our hearts are lost.

--------------------------

FRANK
Let's all take off our trousers, then,
so that you feel more comfortable...WHAT?!

by the way, I just realized that that line was "so you don't feel embarrassed"...hmmmm

--------------------------

FRANK
.....
and even as we live today from day to day
each day is lost as we live it
never to return
we shed our lives as we live them
we die each day
our lives becoming first stories
and then barely remembered dreams
the fleeting stuff of mortality
so that even as we live
we disappear
and all that we have treasured most
disappears with us.

ACK, it was "along with us"! Did I know ANY of my lines right?

--------------------------

And one of my favorite lines of the play...

FRANCOIS
Or else, we discover it in love.
Because human beings are social animals
not isolated imaginations
and so we discover truly who we are
in our relationships
that's where we can see the full complexity
and wonder of a person
where we see the mystery of what it is to be a human being.

People seem to feel as if I don't blog here much anymore. The fact is, I don't really have much to say that's public. I mean, Georgetown's great. I love my classes, especially Algebra and Short Fiction. I'm working out more, so I feel good. I'm getting work done and doing well grade-wise.

Summertime is, in and of itself, wonderful. At the same time, part of me wishes I was never cast because, as much as it sucks to attribute problems recently to the show, it pretty much fucked up my relationship to work with someone I was involved with. So, as much as Summertime is probably the best show I have ever been a part of, in terms of cast, directing, tech, and the way people receive it, I also have had to sacrifice the most for it. Frankly, more than I ever cared to sacrifice. But here we are.

That's my life right now. Not all of it, not its purest form. But that's what's blog-suitable.

Ok, guys, so my new blog is called I'm Going for The Record.

Just kidding.

Let's try a normal blog entry, hmmm?

So I've been doing something a lot lately. I suppose I'd call it living. I mean, let's face it, whenever I get really involved in actually doing things with myself, the blog gets the temporary shaft, right? But I don't know if it's living so much. I mean, not all of it. Because I always saw living as the gorgeous moments, the people you love, the things you do with them. Right now, I'm testing. Myself, that is. Two shows, decent amount of schoolwork going on, writing constantly. I have a planner. ME, Ian, planner...yeah, I'm scared too.

I don't know what it is, but I just want to do stuff for a while. I want to be constantly hopping from one foot to the next, wearing a different hat every hour...metaphorically speaking. But today, my roommate and my friends are off exploring DC. They don't have classes Friday. They certainly don't have so much to do that they can't go. They don't have a show, much less two. They're out having a blast.

So what?

So I don't know whether I'd rather be doing the same right now or what. It really doesn't matter. I couldn't have gone today, but it happens a lot lately. Show, rehearsal, homework, lines, papers, projects. I can't be with Ali as much as I'd like. It's hard, but maybe that's why I like it right now. I like the challenges. I could count the movies I've watched this semester on one hand. With all due respect to the collection, I kind of like that right now too.

I think my only problem is I don't see this ending. I like the work now because of the perspective I think I'll get later with free time. But if I do a summer job this year, where's this free time coming from? I mean, the Stone Harbor idea was fascinating, but how likely is it that the A Kids could all get up there and find a place, work, etc? Not bloody likely. So that means a job in DC or Maryland. I can't go home again. I learned that over winter break. I had a blast, but I can't be in GA another summer. It's not the same for me anymore. And I suddenly can't think about that anymore because it hurts a bit more than I expect.

So if there's no downtime, will this new way for me just make me live without free time? Is this the transition into adulthood? If so, I'm not impressed.

Look, fact is, I'm happy right now. I'm proud of my work in several faculties, but one of the places I was always proudest was of my friendships and how I keep them. Maybe I just don't know how proud of them I am right now. Maybe that's it.

Bored now...

And now my writing blog.

If you want, check out my acting blog for a class. It's probably going to be boxed assignment format, but we'll see.

http://massivelechery.blogspot.com/

So classes began yesterday. The verdict is still out on how this semester is going to be. My Abstract Algebra course looks like it'll satisfy my vicious thirst for math exercises. My Probability-Statistics (which I can never seem to say without stuttering) class looks like it'll be Mrs. Augustyn's class all over, but since I forget all of it, maybe that's ok. I HOPE I GET A 5 ON THE TEST!

Ahem...so anyway, my Short Fiction writing class is incredible and I'm really looking forward to the turnout of one piece a week. My first one looks promising. My Intro to Logic course looks like the epitome of blahtitude. The prof is droning on, the class is huge and all I can do to stay awake is turn it into a writing hour for English. That way, I pass the time decently enough. I still haven't had my acting course yet, but that seems like it will be fun.

A Few Good Men is going really well. My director complimented my suicide performance, which was really reassuring and I really love my scenes with Col. Jessup (i.e. Jack Nicholson's char.) . It's looking like a great show already and we've got a long way to go. A lot of my family is coming to see this one too.

Anyway, not much else up, so I'm gonna go write some more about a lesser diety of chaos I know...

Time for quotes from my trip to Alpharetta!

Watching TV…

Joe (After Joey on FRIENDS says that a girl’s a scientist because she graduated high school): Hey, I’m a scientist!
Ian: Hey, me too!
Diane: I’m not.
Ian: Let’s talk about science-y things.
Joe: So…how about that Bernoulli’s principle?
Ian: Yeah…I hear it’s the principle behind all flight.

Jerry (on Seinfeld): Who cares about eyebrows?
Joe: Kate.
Ian: Hm…ah, yes. True. I just caught what you said.

Ian (watching the UGA-Wisconsin game): Oh, wait, so he hit himself in the foot with his OWN golf club?
Jamie: Yeah, but of course they HAVE to mention it was at Augusta and not like Happy Wisconsin Chip-and-Putt.

Starla: Fried Green Tomatoes is a wonderful movie. And Chris O’Donnell looked so hot when he got hit by that train.

Sterling (after UGA’s religious DE Pollack absolutely destroyed Wisconsin’s quarterback): “Hey, Pollack, Jesus is in that football!” “RAARRRRRR!”

Sterling: Ok, how many Jesus sack jokes can we make?

Ian (reading a sign): “GA Bulldogs come with tight ends”?
Jamie:…Ew?

Starla: Those are saggy boobs.
Ian: Nah…they’re just unbra-ed.
Robin: Unbra-ed?
Ian: Yeah, de-bra-ified. Discom-bra-bulated.

Meghan: What’s About a Boy about? And don’t say “a boy.”

Meghan (after Ian hit her in the ovary with a hacky-sack): OW! God…
Kramer: Yeah, dude, I heard that!

Ian (in regards to what hurts more, birth or a shot to the groin): Hey, I have more experience with that than you!
Meghan: With the miracle of life?
Ian: No, but with that “area.”
Meghan: Ian, I have one of my own.
Ian: Yeah, but guys have face-to-face experience.
Meghan: Ian! Yeah, well…I benefit from that experience.

Seth: Blade 3! Has anyone seen it yet?
Ian: No.
Seth: Was it good?

Jamie (watching a USC player talking to the camera): I’d like to give a shout-out to all my dirties in Pasadena!
Sterling: Yeah, I’d like to thank my gardener and my other gardener!

Ian: Yeah, USC just isn’t gonna be beat.
Jamie: Yeah, right now USC could get a first round bye in the NFC!

On New Years…

Sterling: Don’t you want to see us O’ing at the same time?

Meghan: We’ll all come at the same time and then we’ll blow your mind.

Ian (to Kate): Hey, you were hot…ARE! Are hot!

Ian (While Sterling purposely “pleasures” his popsicle): “Don’t forget to cup the balls.”
Sterling: It has no balls, Ian. It’s a popsicle.
Ian: True…God, that would be the worst popsicle ever.

Ian (looking at a page in his notebook): This makes no sense to me.
Sterling (Reading): “Ian loves Honkeys”
Ian: That’s “monkeys.”

With Joe’s family…

Joe (after telling Diane she can’t go with us to New Milton): Hey, let’s play a game! Lets play a game! You Lose!

Joe (to Diane): You can’t go! You’re a minor!
Ian: Wait, if she’s a minor, wouldn’t she get in less trouble?
Diane: Good point, Ian.
Joe: Hey, you can help my parents and suck up to them all you want, but not her.

Joe’s mom: Diane, where’s the Wite-Out?
Diane: I don’t know.
Joe’s mom: Find it!
Joe: Hey, Diane, you have a lot of time to find it.
Diane: Why’s that?
Joe: Cause you’re not coming!

Joe (explaining “The Elevator”): We named pours. We know that it’s lame.
Ian: It’s nice of you to use “we” when I was mainly responsible. I appreciate that.

Ian (coming up with blackmail tapes): Well, Sterling has the CNN video.
Joe: But so do you.
Ian: Yeah, but I have made my peace with it more than him.
Joe: Yeah, and you didn’t look like a mouse.

Around Alpharetta…

Ian: Yeah, so the axe is gone. I’ll get you a new one.
Kramer: Don’t worry about it, we have other ones.
Meghan: Wait, hold on, so there’s just an axe running around somewhere?

Sterling: Dude, that message is like ANCIENT. And I mean that in the truest definition ANCIENT. I mean, we’re like talking Troy ANCIENT. No, no, we’re talking fucking-like dinosaur. So like…Stegosaurus phone…no. But anyway, you didn’t give me a time or…or…or anything useful. Well, you gave me what we’re doing, which I guess is a sorta useful aspect…of it. So give me a call back and…just…just give me a call back.

Joe: So, what did you do today?
Kim: Me?
Joe: Well, yeah, I know what Ian did.

Seth: And I wanted to ask him, “Has anyone ever told you that you suck at life?”
Kramer: That would suck if you just sucked at living.

Kramer: My back hurts.
Meghan: Yeah, Chris is getting old.
Kramer: I was lifting a tree.
Seth: You cut down a tree too? I cut one down and it landed in the street!
Kramer: Yeah, I killed a chair.

Seth: If you’re Meghan’s friend, you can run her over with your car.

Ian (in regards to living together over the summer): We should set up a video camera and record all our activities.
(Later…)
Seth: Yeah, but that would be bad. We’d have to rate that very highly, like X-rated.
Ian: In the kitchen, Seth?! I’m not going to be sexiled from my kitchen.

Joe: Guess what clue 39-down in the crossword today is?
Ian: What?
Joe: “John, in Scotland.”
Ian: Alright!

Kris (at trivia): We’re dorking out.
Ian: Hey, you know what “dork” means, don’t you?
Meghan: Yes.
Joe: Yeah.
Alex: No.
Ian: A dork is a whale’s penis.
Sterling: Well, we’re gonna be set for that vocab category, Ian.

Ian (in regards to “parties”): I think the worst time was Junior Prom when Alan and I were wrestling in the pool and sure enough, the high school center of the football team knees me right in the groinal area. And in some Back to the Future scenario, one of my future children just phased out.
(Laughter)
Sterling (in goofy voice): Ian’s funny.

Yeah, so maybe I was a little more anal about quotes this time than I was before, but we didn't have the long car rides in between to think of everything that happened. So I had to be somewhat vigilant. Anyway, I had a wonderful time. Thanks to everyone for hanging with me. Thank immensely to Joe and his family for having me and I hope everyone has a wonderful semester or whatever.